where i’ve been.

turns out, once you kind of give in to letting the blogging slide…it becomes easier and easier to let the blogging slide.

the weeks have been full—typical end of the school year stuff like art shows and chorus concerts.

typical spring outdoor stuff like putting in ponds and ordering 10 tons of rock (eek!)

don’t be fooled by the mindtrick that is this picture—ten tons of rock is a LOT of rock.

then of course there’s our other typical spring routine…

more casting for our tiny tim. seems like it gets just a little harder each time. this time, for her week in a long leg cast, we broke down and rented a wheelchair. that cast is heavy and by the end of a day on crutches she was in pain—both her leg/foot and arms. but we made it ten days and had her followup yesterday…

cast number 38, and YAY for short leg casts you can walk on!!! (the crutches were temporary because her leg is pretty sore for a while after the old cast comes off). this guy will be on for two weeks, then fitted for new braces and casted for about 4 more weeks while we wait for the braces. so she’s going to be casted through the end of the school year and into the beginning of summer. :o( bummer.

i’ve had my own issues, too. some health concerns are necessitating a switch off my current meds and over to new medication. the truth is i haven’t been “right” since elliot was born. my body knew that, and i knew that, but it’s taken me until now to convince the doctors of that. the numbers on the tests are starting to bear out what i’ve been saying for a long time now, so they’re listening. unfortunately that’s the time and place we live in—doctors put more stock in numbers on paper than on what you say about how you’re feeling. but whatever. i’m not holding a grudge. i’m just hopeful that in the next few weeks i’ll have some answers.

BUT ANYWAY…

there’s been sewing. lots and lots of sewing, actually. and even some crocheting (gasp! that’s a winter hobby!)

all things i’m going to share soon.

also, i’m honored to be a part of this again this year--

woohoo! coming in june! pretty sure i know what i’m doing…just have to, err…do it. ;0)

you may remember my contribution last year—my maxi dress.

why not check out some of the other tutorials from last year HERE? you know, to tide you over until i get my act together and start posting something besides random collections of…randomness entirely illustrated by photos stolen from my instagram feed. hehe.

les filles nagent. (did i mention we’ve decided to learn french as a family? you know…cause we’re bored.)

i don’t make monkeys, i train ‘em.

 

gray knit: jo-ann fabrics + vintage typewriters: melody miller for kokka

+

wide black waistband elastic + 1/2 of the knit, cut lengthwise + typewriter patch

=

one easy, comfy knit skirt for school.

now add:

+

and…

NOT THAT MUCH!…ummm…

=

one awesomely stylish outfit for school.

when you’re coveting your 8-year old’s style, maybe it’s just time to pack it in, no?

but i guess i did make the skirt. and i did buy the top. and technically i made the kid, too.
so we’ll just say all the style comes from momma, too. mmmkay? ;)

p.s.—for those wondering how tiny tim’s foot is…she just had a 6 month checkup. it’s…okay. it is starting to relapse (sigh), but it’s still flexible. so until he (the doc) can’t pull it easily into it’s correct position we let it go. the newest curveball: spider veins. she has them on her clubfoot leg, at the top of her calf. i assumed they were part of the whole “clubfoot” thing. the doc said no, probably just a defect in the veins. weird, right? sooo…she’s just got the worst right leg ever? a clubfoot, osteomyelitis of the lower femur with no obvious cause, and now spider veins at age 8, all in one leg? yeah. one to many coincidences for me, too. so next checkup we’re getting some more x-rays, this time of her right knee area. i’m fairly certain this kid’s leg glows at night. ;)

the middle.

yesterday was a big day for this one.



the last cast came off. we picked up two new braces: a small one for day time wear, and a big one for night time.

her “magic shoes” ;)



two weeks ago she had an MRI, the results of which were normal. basically ava’s stubborn foot has her doctor stumped. a clubfoot is a tricky beast—wanting to return to it’s original position as the foot grows. by 7 or 8 it should be more stable—less likely to relapse. ava’s is not. it continues to relapse, faster and faster between each round of casting. and we don’t really know why.

that last cast was itchy. it was irritating. she has a sore on her heel where the last two casts were rubbing and it was painful. we are so, sooo happy it’s done. and so i planned on celebrating the cast removal—i told ava to think about something fun she wanted to do. it was just her and i and the baby all day.



here’s where i go on a tangent…

(future ava: when you read this, please know this post is a proof of how much i love you—that i’m so concerned i turned to the internet, which is obviously the most logical place for child rearing information)
of all my kids, ava is the one i have the hardest time relating to. 
i. just. don’t. get. her.

i love her—i love her humor and easy-going spirit. her spunk and her freckly nose. i love that she only likes vanilla ice cream and doesn’t care for sweets and isn’t ashamed of it.

but when i ask her what she wants to eat? she doesn’t know. pizza? burgers? chinese? hibachi? buffet? mac & cheese? salad? pancakes? le bec fin? she DOESN’T KNOW.
what do you want to do? shop? museum? movies? park? she DOESN’T KNOW. the only thing she could come up with was roller skating—not exactly the best activity for a girl just out of 5 weeks of casts.

it’s enough to make a momma pull her hair out in frustration. i gritted my teeth and smiled and tried to suggest, gently, that she choose something—ANYTHING—before our entire day out was a bust. in the end we ate pizza. a trip to south street for slices that take 2 hands to hold. and then we spent almost 2 hours wandering the aisles at target. a choice between 3 different littlest pet shops was a 15 minute ordeal, complete with multiple rounds of eenie meenie miney moe.



i’m trying. i don’t want to feel this disconnect with any one of my children. i don’t want her to be lost in the shuffle. i am determined that even with a big family my children will know they are loved and appreciated for who they are as individuals, and not just one of the herd.
only…i find myself saying more and more “she’s the middle child”—with that eyeroll that says “you know what that means”.

but do you? do i?

i looked up some things about birth order. ava is the middle child of five—two older siblings, two younger. i on the the other hand am the oldest child.
well now. right there it seems we have an issue. when i view myself in that light—as the oldest child to her middle status, instead of as mother/daughter, i can see where some of our differences come from.

and then i stumbled on this:

The Third Born:

• has the challenge of overcoming the criticism of the second born by being strong and aggressive.
• is acquainted with feeling vulnerable and can be clingy.
• is strongly angered when put-down.
• thinks in comparative ways, giving rise to new ideas and even practical inventions.
• is sympathetic with others who are vulnerable and very protective.
• has challenges being cooperative with others due to having to survive by being rebellious.

(source)

i read this to jeremy, giggling the whole time—because if you had to sum up our miss ava…well, this is probably how you’d do it.

strong and aggressive, yet vulnerable and clingy. angered and sympathtic. comparative, but not cooperative. these blends of seemingly opposing qualities—these are what make up our ava.

my mom is the middle of five, too. just thought i’d throw that in there. and yes, they have a very good relationship.

so what do i do with all my newfound knowledge? okay, so it’s not really new. it’s things i already knew about my girl. but seeing them down in black and white reminds me.

it reminds me that when i’m frustrated with her, there is so much wonderful and good in her. so many beautiful qualities that can be nurtured and encouraged. it reminds me that we all have our faults—firstborns aren’t perfect either. (i know, i was shocked too)
it reminds me that this is the child that laid patiently in a loud and claustrophobic MRI machine for an hour, doing--in the words of the technician--"better than most adults". it reminds me this is the child that the doctor again today said how sweet she is, and how she's so easy to work on. unlike so many other kids (who we hear yelling up and down the halls while we wait).

but here’s the thing: of everything i read, the real eye opener wasn’t birth order or personality traits or anything like that. it was this:

 

there’s no denying that. birth order and everything else (including hair color) aside--that right there is my girl.

what ifs

it seems like all kids hit that age eventually.
after the “why?” of 2 and 3, you enter the “what if?”.

and it’s kind of like you never really leave the what if stage. it’s just the caliber of your questions that change.

we’ve been getting lots of what if's around here lately. seems like the older two kids have whatifitis. and it’s catchy…mommy seems to have it too.

to illustrate:
little man asked yesterday “what if everyone in the whole world farted at the same exact time?”
well.
not really sure, harrison. possibly a huge gas cloud ending life as we know it?

and guinevere, watching her brother hang upside-down by his ankles and being reassured that unless his feet popped off like pen caps he was in no imminent danger of falling on his head and dying from a concussion, “but WHAT IF they did mom? what if his feet DID pop off?”
umm…well, i suppose a concussion would be the least of his worries then.

on friday i was supposed to be sharing some party tips here on my blog to coordinate with the party tip fun being featured over at bugaboo, mr, mini & me. i love me a good party.
instead, this past friday we were getting this:



we’re no stranger to the long leg cast. memory fails right now, but i’m thinking this is somewhere around #25 in her 7.5 years of life.

but that’s exactly the problem—it’s #25. our last round of casting not even a year ago.
WHAT IF it’s just not working? WHAT IF her foot continues to be stubborn and resistant—arching up and returning to the curve it seems to favor?

the doctor doesn’t have any solid answers for us. x-rays show her bones are aligned (as well aligned as clubfoot bones can be). her tendons don’t seem to have too much imbalance; she maneuvers her foot quite well. but still…this arch continues to return. the pain and cramping in her muscles increase. so we cast and we cast and we cast, and we hope for the best.

but…
what if?



this smile wasn’t as free as it normally is. this cast is not as exciting as it once was. you can see it in the picture. she's humoring me--smiling only because i asked her too. honestly it's achy and itchy and annoying and she doesn't feel like it.

i can't help but think back...

her baby casts were annoying, mainly because she was my baby and i wanted to dress her in pretty outfits—outfits that unfortunately didn’t fit over a bulky cast. a cast which also hurt like the dickens when she kicked you with it in the dead of night.
but she was a baby…and didn’t really care, so—no big deal.

the relapse casts she got at age 3 were annoying to mom and dad because we were flying cross country to get them. and when she had an accident the first night home because we didn’t carry her to the potty fast enough…that was annoying. but it was her first relapse, and she was still little, and it was kind of to be expected since clubfoot is such a stubborn beast. so we all took it in stride.
besides, she was the recipient of much attention: from brother and sister, from friends and family. poor little adorable 3 year old in a big cast. not a problem.

there was the casting at age 4. she hopped around on one leg for a few weeks. she got more attention. her siblings wished they had casts, too. she picked out a new color each week. NBD.
the casting last year…that was tougher. i was 8 months pregnant, and not getting around too well myself. she’s bigger, the cast is bigger and heavier, she’s in school now. bathing her was…interesting, to say the least. all around the challenges are and were more…well, challenging.but ava has an easy-going spirit with this, and she took it in stride.

and even though my mommy instincts told me this new round of casting was coming it’s still hard to take. because i can see it in her face. it’s lost the uniqueness it once had (the casting that is, not her face). when you’re one of five you’ll probably take anything that sets you apart from the crowd…but eventually not so much. she’s quiet and sad looking and i’m not really sure what to do for her.

as a parent you’re on the tightrope—WHAT IF i give her too much attention and the other kids feel neglected? WHAT IF i give her too much attention and she becomes a “princess” and i can’t break her of that? WHAT IF i don’t give her enough attention and all she remembers is a horrible childhood with casts and casts and casts and sitting inside while everyone else played basketball? and then she becomes an ARCHVILLAIN like samuel l. jackson in unbreakable???? WHAT IF?????
so we do this:

WHAT IF we all just take a deep breath. we breathe in, we breathe out. and we go about our day. a little slower, perhaps. but with five monsters we aren’t exactly the speediest bunch out there anyway.

and WHAT IF we let ava pick where she wants to eat dinner after spending half the day bouncing from waiting room to x-ray to casting room to physical therapy back to casting room.

and WHAT IF we just have some extra snuggles on the couch…because extra snuggles never hurt anyone, right?

sometimes the WHAT IFs aren’t all bad.