would you like some cheese with that whine?

well, it looks like i'm in for the long haul.

we tried muscle relaxers.

nada.

went to the midwife again (i'm on 2 week visits now, which is an encouraging sign--we're GETTING THERE). she said forget the muscle relaxers, we're going to switch to straight up pain relief at this point and see what the physical therapist can do.

so i went to physical therapy. it's really not encouraging when the therapist has you do bunches of different movements to try and isolate your issue, and then sits and stares at you with what can only be described as a 'stumped' look on her face.

she said it's not my hip, it's not muscular, it's not sciatica. all of which i knew--but it's nice to feel validated. :o)
looks like somewhere in my very very lower back--probably my sacrum--there is a nerve being irritated.

'irritated', huh?
try 'ticked off to the highest degree'. angered like a two year old who was told no more candy. like a teenager who got the car keys taken away. like a pms-ing woman who can't find any chocolate in the house. like a pregnant woman who's husband won't go get her a milkshake from mcdonald's at 10:30pm.
you know, superduperfuriouslyangry.

and so she did some deep tissue ultrasound heating thingy, and had me do a bunch of different stretches to try and relieve pressure on the area.
when i left i was in a lot of pain.
by the time i picked up the kiddos and got home i could barely walk.
by the time i got in the house and to my bedroom i literally could not take my shoes off or climb into my bed. i was crying because it hurt so badly, and my poor 10 year old daughter had to help me undress and get in my bed.
i took 2 tylenol and called googiedaddy. i had to wait until he came home and the tylenol wore off before i could move on to the tylenol 3 to hopefully get some relief.
i spent the entire night laying in bed in massive amounts of pain. the one time i got up to pee googiedaddy had to practically carry me there and back as i cried the whole way.

needless to say i'm a bit leary of trying that again. (i'm going to call the therapist today and talk to her about it.)

i don't consider myself a wimp with pain. sure, i don't like pain. who does? but i've gone through one mostly and three completely pain-med free deliveries. the last one induced with pitocin and still no pain meds.

this.hurts.

there's no other way to say it.
and i'm tired. i'm tired of being in pain. i'm tired of crying. i'm tired of being in bed with a heating pad unable to move while life happens around me. i'm tired of hearing my children bicker because they're doing things that i should be doing and having to take on more responsibility than a 10, 8 and 6 year old should have to take on. i'm tired of my husband having to work all day, deal with me calling and crying because i'm in pain, and then come home and deal with 4 kids, getting dinner made, trying to straighten up the house and do laundry and take care of me. i'm tired of hearing myself whine.

phew.

i am surrounded by wonderful people. we have incredible family and friends willing to pitch in and help out. people who have brought us food, taken my googies to school and/or picked them up, taken away my dirty laundry and brought it back clean, vacuumed and mopped and dusted and picked up around the house. people who call and just ask how i am or what more they can do. people who offer to come scrub my toilets for cryin' out loud.
wonderful, amazing people.

but in the end, i can't shake the knowledge that i have 9+ more weeks of this to deal with, and so far there is no relief in sight. and that i am the momma. this is my home, these are my children.
i love being a mother. i love making them all clean, clipping nails and braiding hair. putting them in clean neat clothes and feeding them healthy foods that i made.
but right now i am an ornament.