Thursday, June 23, 2011

bet you didn’t read this in a book

i feel i’ve been failing you.

yes, you—all of you. my readers. you come here—not to hear me whine. not to hear about my latest health issues or how long i’ve been laying in my bed. you don’t really want the gory details of my uterus and my boobies and my bleeding and all that (or do you? you don’t, right? cause if you do…well, that’s just a little weird). and i know i tend to over share and i know that pregnancy and childbirth is really all-consuming for a woman and when you put those together you have a blogger who over shares about her pregnancy and childbirth to the exclusion of just about everything else.

and, well…i have to say it’s got to get old after a bit.

so in reparation i have gathered together a post of tips for you--still baby related, yes. but not directly pertaining to my specific health/pregnancy/baby issues. for that, you’re welcome.

these are tips that you most likely will never find in any pregnancy/baby book. but tips that are vitally important nonetheless.

let’s get started, shall we?

if you are going to have a baby at any time in the near future, do yourself a favor and get a bed like this:


because when s/he is awake, your baby will spend a lot of time staring at it like this:


the lines…the curves…it’s simply mesmerizing to a newborn.

if you can’t or won’t get a bed like this, at the bare minimum you need a pillow like this:


which also provokes this reaction:


or this one…


we call this her “smart look.”

tip #2
this one is super importanteven a breastfed baby can sometimes get a little stopped up. despite what most people say. so your doctor will tell you that you can use half of a glycerin suppository to help your baby’s…uhh…evacuation.

now, on the bottle it says: “generally produces bowel movement in 1/4 to 1 hour”.
BUT, what that really means is: “generally produces bowel movement in 1/4 to 1 second.”

have supplies ready. that’s all i’m sayin’.

next up…
before you have a baby one of the best things you can do is either have, borrow, or even steal a responsible, friendly, intelligent 11 year old girl. this child will be invaluable to you in your quest for an extra 15 minutes of sleep, bringing you coffee in the morning, or even allowing you some potty time in peace. they will happily fold baby’s laundry, dress baby and even change baby’s diapers because they’re “just soooo ca-uuuutteee!!! squeeee!!!”

although, in a pinch, even a 2 year old can work.

she looks thrilled, doesn’t she?

my final 2 tips for you are, without a doubt, the most important two:

firstly, “they” will say babies don’t really smile until 5 or 6 weeks. smiles prior to that are merely “gas”.

RUBBISH. any and all smiles baby makes from birth on up are because they LOVE you, they APPRECIATE you wiping their dirty bottoms and cuddling them and singing them lullabies at 2:45 am and feeding them. because they recognize you as mommy and are trying to let you know in their limited way that they know you and LOVE YOU.

clearly she’s thinking “i love you mommy”…even if she’s looking at the pillow.

IMG_5436_5065 IMG_5435_5064

besides, who do you know—aside from 9 year old boys—who smiles when they have gas? amiright?

and that brings us to this--my final tip for you: you can never have too many photos of a sleeping baby.


p.s.—sorry for all the dark/blurry/overall lousy pics in this post…my bedroom doesn’t always have the best “photo” light…and well, i’m stuck there.

p.p.s—shoot! now i ruined it. forget i mentioned that i’m stuck in bed. i wasn’t supposed to mention that in this post!

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